Why Do We Want People to Struggle the Way We Did?

Come sit with me for a while.I’ve been thinking about something…..

A worn footpath splitting into two directions through a grassy landscape.

“We didn’t have that when I was growing up.”

“Nobody helped me.”

“I had to figure it out on my own.”

“They have it too easy now.”

Sometimes these sentences are said with pride.

Sometimes frustration.

Sometimes disbelief.

And sometimes there is something else underneath them that is harder to name.

Because there is a strange thing that can happen when we watch someone receive the support, accommodation, understanding, opportunity, or ease that we once needed ourselves.

We don’t always feel relieved for them.

Sometimes, we feel irritated.

The Everyday Moment

I was doing what many of us seem to do when there is documentation, or anything remotely important, to finish.

Scrolling.

Somewhere along the way, I landed on a string of videos about generational differences at work.

The joke was essentially that Gen Z will leave.

A workplace crosses a boundary? They leave.

A manager sends an unreasonable email? They respond using language about boundaries, mental health, psychological safety, and workplace expectations that some of us probably didn’t have available to us at their age.

And, of course, the comments were divided.

Some people admired it.

Some found it entitled.

Some couldn’t believe anyone would speak to an employer that way.

And somewhere among the jokes and generational warfare was something I found much more interesting:

The rules have changed.

Not just at work.

Ideas about marriage, gender roles, work, parenting, and relationships are being questioned in ways that would have been far less socially acceptable in many previous generations.

Increasingly, people seem willing to question things previous generations may have learned simply to accept.

Not just:

Can I handle this?

But:

Why am I being asked to?

Is this actually necessary?

Does it have to be this way?

And that can be uncomfortable to witness when “this is just how life is” was once the only explanation you were given.

Because when someone else realizes they don’t have to endure something you once had no choice but to endure, their decision can stir up more than disagreement.

It can make you wonder what you might have chosen if you had known you had a choice too.

When the Rules Change

Social rules rarely announce themselves as rules.

Most of the time, they simply sound like:

That’s just how things are.

And when everyone around us seems to live by the same expectations, it can be difficult to recognize how much of “normal” is actually cultural.

Until normal changes.

We hear it in conversations about relationships:

“Our grandparents stayed married.”

Perhaps they did.

But that sentence is often used as though staying tells us something about the quality of the relationship, or the character of the people in it.

It doesn’t…

Staying happened within a particular world.

A world where women may have had fewer financial options. Where divorce carried different social consequences. Where gender roles were more rigid. Where religious, familial, and community expectations held enormous weight.

None of that means our grandparents were secretly miserable.

And it doesn’t mean relationships today are necessarily healthier because people have more freedom to leave.

It simply means:

We cannot compare the choices people made without also considering the choices they had.

That distinction matters.

More choices can change what people are willing to accept.

Things that were once endured quietly may now be questioned, named, or left behind.

That doesn’t necessarily mean people have become less committed, less resilient, or more sensitive.

Sometimes having more choices simply changes what we believe we have to tolerate.

And perhaps that’s part of what makes cultural change uncomfortable to witness.

We aren’t only watching people choose differently.

We’re watching them make choices that may not have been available to us.

The Psychology

There are different layers to what we’re observing.

At the macro level, cultures change.

Ideas about work, marriage, gender, parenting, mental health, and what we owe ourselves and one another shift over time. What one generation experiences as normal, another may eventually question.

At the meso level, those larger changes begin showing up inside the places where we live our everyday lives.

Workplaces introduce mental health accommodations.

Families reconsider old roles.

Schools respond differently to emotional and learning needs.

Therapy becomes something people speak about more openly.

The larger cultural shift starts changing the expectations within our smaller communities and institutions.

And then there is the micro level.

Us.

The individual person trying to make sense of a world whose rules may no longer match the ones we learned.

And this is where things can become deeply personal.

Because human beings don’t just experience what happens to us.

We make meaning out of it.

If I endured something difficult and eventually became capable, independent, resilient, or strong, I may understandably connect the two:

I struggled → I became strong.

Maybe I learned that pushing through is what responsible people do.

Maybe I learned that staying is what commitment looks like.

Maybe I learned that handling things alone is evidence of independence.

Those meanings can become part of how we understand ourselves.

But there is a subtle shift that can happen:

I became strong through something difficult

can become

The difficult thing is what made me strong.

And eventually:

Other people may need something similar in order to become strong too.

But those aren’t necessarily the same thing.

We can find meaning in what we went through without believing we had to go through it.

And sometimes watching the world question what we once accepted as necessary leaves us with an uncomfortable thought:

Maybe there was another way…

Gentle Reflection

Think about something that feels easier, more accepted, or more supported now than it did when you were going through it.

Maybe you’ve watched someone receive support you didn’t have.

Set a boundary you didn’t know you were allowed to set.

Question something you were taught simply to accept.

What does that bring up for you?

Maybe relief.

Maybe pride.

Maybe irritation, envy, or even grief.

Maybe something harder to name.

Whatever comes up, you don’t have to decide whether it’s right or wrong.

Just notice it.

And then, perhaps, get curious:

Do I actually believe they need to struggle?

Or is there something I learned through my struggle that I hope they learn too?

Because those are not necessarily the same thing.

Maybe what we want to pass down is the lesson, not the hardship that taught it to us.

Journal Prompt

Think about one hardship you’ve become proud of surviving.

What did it teach you?

What did it cost you?

If someone you loved could learn what you learned without paying that particular cost, would you want them to?

And if part of you hesitates,

what might that hesitation be protecting?

And then we don’t resolve it.

Until next time…

Keep noticing.

Carrin Adoma, MSW, RSW.

Grounded in Science. Guided by Soul.

Sources & Further Reading

McAdams, D. P., & McLean, K. C. (2013). Narrative identity. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22(3), 233–238.

McLean, K. C., & Fournier, M. A. (2008). The content and processes of autobiographical reasoning in narrative identity. Journal of Research in Personality, 42(3), 527–545.

Elder, G. H., Jr. (1998). The life course as developmental theory. Child Development, 69(1), 1–12.

Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (2004). Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence. Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1–18.

A note on the psychology & sociology: This entry draws from research and theory on narrative identity, meaning-making, autobiographical reasoning, adaptation following adversity, social norms, and the life-course perspective. Together, these ideas help us consider how people make meaning from what they have lived through while also recognizing that our choices are shaped by the cultural, social, economic, and historical conditions surrounding us. The distinctions explored here are intended as a framework for reflection rather than an argument that struggle is inherently beneficial, necessary, or experienced in the same way by everyone.